AAUW: Family ties and trying to get along
By
Gwen Sayian
TheHingham Journal
Fri
Dec 19, 2008
Hingham -
“If you didn’t have family, you’d
never know people so different.” It’s one of my favorite truisms, but one that
isn’t widely known, as evidenced by the perplexed look that passes over
someone’s face when they hear it for the first time. Think about it. We choose
our friends, and for the most part they’re just like us. They have the same
interests and values. They probably share the same life stage whether it be starting life as a young adult, raising family, empty
nesting or retirement. That’s why we like them, they’re just like us! We have
lots in common, with just enough differences to be interesting.
For better or worse, the holidays
put family front and center. The family parties, dinners, and annual holiday
card letters leave you with puzzled frustration as you wonder how your sibling
could possibly be from the same family. And if it’s not blood you share, marriage
does some amazing things to family dynamics. Now, I get along quite well with
my two brothers. That could be because we don’t see each other very often, and
we tread softly around each other’s business. However that doesn’t stop in-laws
from adding a pinch or more of red pepper.
My most recent sister-in-law, who
will soon be an out-law, never understood our cardinal rule of not poking your
nose into each other’s business, unless asked, and only then the most general
advice, with something like,” Boy, that’s a tough one. You’re going to have to
think about that.” Then you walk away shaking your head and hoping you didn’t
say too much. My sister-in-law had multiple ideas of what you should do to make
your life better. And you better have nothing to do for the next hour, if you
were so foolish as to question why you were the beneficiary of her
self-bestowed wisdom.
We all know various personalities
from work and community, but you know you won’t be spending the rest of your
life with these people surfacing and bumping into your own little happily
insulated private world, surrounded by your friends, who as you know, as just
like you.
I’m not saying people that are
different, especially if they’re family, are a bad thing. It’s often those
family relationships that expose you to differences that you’d never otherwise
experience. My cousin’s son has Aspergers syndrome. I
doubt I would have learned so much about Aspergers,
which is a mild form of autism, if I didn’t have Russell in my life. I’ve met
many quiet heroes, who work tirelessly on issues like this that most of us
don’t want to think about. And Russell, who is a wonderful kid, is so much fun
especially when you understand his way of seeing the world.
So this holiday season, as you sip
your eggnog with your (choose one) obnoxious, overbearing, incessantly talking,
whining or just plain weird family member, take deep breaths, and think of it
as your own little slice of the United Nations where we all just try and get
along. Tell your judgmental self to take a break, and listen with an open mind.
You might just learn a thing or two. It’s the holidays, and have
a bit more eggnog, especially if it’s spiked. That might help. And remember,
someone could be reading this, and thinking of you.
***
The American Association for
University Women event this month is a holiday brunch. In January we will have
a potluck supper and book discussion of the “Glass Castle” by Jeannette Walls,
a riveting memoire of a dysfunctional yet fascinating family.
Holders of associate’s or bachelor’s
degrees who live in the South Shore towns from Plymouth to Quincy are welcome
to join the Hingham Area Branch. To learn more about AAUW, please call Patricia
McKay at 781-337-3375, or email: hollie@gallivan.org. Visit the branch Web site
at aauw-ma.org and follow the links to the Hingham branch.
Gwen
Sayian is a mental health counselor, Hingham resident
and member of AAUW.