AAUW CORNER/Parenting author practices common sense

Gwen W. Sayian

Thu Oct 04, 2007

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Hingham - It was one of those unseasonably warm fall days when I spoke with Scituate author and parenting expert Lynne Reeves Griffin about her new book, “Negotiation Generation, Take Back Your Parental Authority Without Punishment.” We were talking in advance of Lynne’s free presentation, sponsored by the Hingham Area Branch of the American Association of University Women, which will be held from at 7 p.m., Tuesday, Oct. 9, at the Hingham Middle School, 1103 Main St., Hingham. While I hadn’t mentioned to my 10-year-old daughter that I would be speaking to a parenting expert, she provided me with my first question.

“How do you put an end to a homework battle that has been going on for almost an hour?” I asked. Lynne had the answer. She said a break after school is a good thing, and many kids need it, but here is the key. She explained, “Imagine you come home from working seven hours, take off your shoes, have a cup of tea, sit on the couch and read the paper. Then the phone rings, after you’re all settled and relaxed, and they tell you, ‘Oh no you’re not done, you have to come back to work now.’ Would you want to?” Lynne suggested a short break of no more than a half an hour. Any longer and the child becomes too removed, too relaxed, and the transition back to schoolwork becomes a fight. I took her advice and it worked for me.

Lynne is a registered nurse with a master’s degree in education. In addition, she is Executive Director of Proactive Parenting, and appears as a parenting specialist on Boston television station’s FOX25 News. I asked where she got her parenting expertise, she explained in her smooth and reassuring voice her plan for parenting comes from the science of child development, behavior therapies and what we understand about how a child’s brain is wired. She also quickly added that she is a mother of two and has been in the trenches with the rest of us. Her premise, as the title says, is that parenting today is based on too many negotiations with unclear boundaries and parental expectations.

The idea of negotiating with children as a way of conflict management comes out of the valid idea of acknowledging and validating children’s feelings. Lynne pointed out that we are asking children to be competent at negotiation, a very adult skill of which they are developmentally incapable. This is especially true of very young children. By negotiating with them, we are only setting them up, or more likely setting ourselves up as parents, for failure. Lynne says it’s a matter of setting your parental boundaries. Once the boundary has been reached, talking ends.

“So what about the punishment piece?” I asked. “Do you suggest time-out chairs, loss of privileges?” She chuckled slightly and explained this part of her book is a bit controversial. Most children want to behave well, but if they don’t have the skills or are being asked to do something beyond their developmental abilities, they will fail. That failure can come out as negative behaviors.

She explained, “You can tell me you’ll punish me if I can’t fly an airplane, but I still won’t be able to do it if I don’t have the skill to fly a plane. The parent needs to coach the child in skill building and most importantly the parent needs to anticipate new issues. Time-outs only set up another power struggle and that’s what you don’t want to get into.”

I asked, “What about a reward system, a sticker chart or toy for good behavior?” She sighed, replying that though very popular, rewards will only work for a while and then the reward system itself becomes a struggle.

What’s the most common frustration she hears from parents? She said by far it’s not enough time and agreed that to anticipate issues, to prepare your child for difficult situations, and to follow through on non-negotiable limits all take time and energy. Unfortunately, parents are spending too much of that precious time caught up in long rounds of negotiation.

So what is the solution? Lynne mapped out a systematic approach for creating your parenting boundaries and learning how to stick to them. There are three factors you need to carefully consider: your own parenting style, your child’s temperament or behavioral nature, and your lifestyle. This individual approach to your family will get you out of the blame game. She encourages parents to move beyond criticism of themselves and their children and to recognize how easy it is to make positive change. Customizing your technique to your family, child, and lifestyle moves past right or wrong, good or bad.

In her book, Lynne explores these three dimensions, helping the reader to develop and clarify who they are as parents, as well as who their children are as individuals. Her book gives lots of examples. Every parent will find a situation to which they can relate to all too well.

But does it work for teenagers? I have one of those, too. How about younger children? And what about the unique situations that single parents face? Lynne confidently answers yes to these questions.

To hear more about Lynne’s approach, join the AAUW Oct. 9. All are welcome. In the meantime, I will work on my boundaries with my intense, savvy, and wonderful daughter.

The Hingham Area Branch’s next program, “Women in Chinese Culture,” with Ms. Hongwei Liu, will take place at 7 p.m., Tuesday, Nov.13, at the Hingham Public Library. Ms Hongwei Liu is an English teacher at a Chinese university, who is here on a grant and has joined the faculty of Whitman-Hanson Regional High for 2007-08. She is teaching Chinese Culture and language.

The AAUW invites all holders of bachelor or associate degrees from Plymouth to Quincy to join its branch. For membership information, contact Hollie Bagley at holliebagley@gmail.com, or Patricia McKay at 781-337-3375.

Gwen Sayian is a member of the Hingham Area Branch.